Tony & Eswyl

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Ulpster Churnal

Ie Ulpster Churnal ONLINE

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Wash Your Fruit!
Says Mel Spirit bluddy BSc hons.

"Me and all me scientific buddies down at the lab have discovered some horrifying discoveries about that bliddy stuff that farmers spray on fruit to make it grow big," said Mel Spirit yesterday from her home in Ulpster.

"If you don't wash that bliddy stuff off your fruit than, quite frankly, you'll grow a beard," she continued.

At this point her husband, Gus Spirit looked slightly embarrassed, and covered his chin with his hand.

When we asked Professor Spirit if she had any proof to back up her astonishing claim, she stuck her chin out and told us, in an immature voice, "Yes I bliddy can!

See Gus, I bliddy caught him eatin' an unwashed whaddyacallit, an apple, and look at his face, I think that you'll bliddy find that he's got a bliddy beard, that's conclusive proof that unwashed fruit makes beards grow ......... probably.

I mean, how much bliddy proof do you bliddy want?"

We looked at Gus's face and there was indeed a furry sort of growth coming out of his chin, and had to admit that the evidence was indeed overwhelmingly convincing.

Professor Spirit then expounded, "So far my experiments have led me to bliddy believe that men tend to be far more bliddy lazy in the fruit washing department than women,

and that is bliddy definitely why quite a lot of men have bluddy beards."

She noticed our dubious expressions, and slapped one of our reporters viciously, shouting, "This wasn't a bliddy Micky Mouse experiment, it was done properly ya bliddy idiots."
And you know what? we believe her.

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Sharks or Shandy Drinking Puffs?

Two plucky Britons, who last week survived 45 terrifying minutes in the shark infested waters off Tiran Island in the Red Sea, were yesterday recovering at their home on the top secret British Military Base in Dee-kaly-ar, Corfu.

Buddy Pair

Nick Fell (48) and Trev Parker (22), known as the Crete All Island Shark Wrestling Champions' were scuba diving as a buddy pair, armed only with a standard divers knife, which has an eight inch blade on one side, and a serrated edge, bottle opener, and device for picking objects out of a horses hoof on the other.

Volunteers

When interviewed by our middle East foreign correspondent, Nick Fell said, "We had agreed a contingency plan in case things got really hairy with the sharks, I was to slash Trev with my knife to help him distract the sharks,

Trev was to act like a distressed and injured fish while bleeding. Then I would make my way safely back to the boat to ask for volunteers to return and save Trev."

Trev added, "The plan sounded fine to me, but I was a little concerned for Nick's safety, fearing that in his eagerness to obtain help for me, he may have neglected his decompression stops on the way back to the surface."

Throughout the dive, both were sharply

aware of the presence of sharks, watching their every move from the dark blue waters, just beyond their field of vision. After 41 minutes they began their ascent to the surface. In mid water, between the seabed and the surface, the divers were at their most vulnerable. Suddenly Trev pivoted 360 degrees, and there, barely two metres away, and heading towards him in the current was a large grey polythene bag.

Expressing disappointment that the sharks had remained in hiding throughout the dive, the pair did however accept their achievement of challenging the sharks in their own domain, and frightening them into hiding.

Fear

Both men put the sharks fear down to the fact that they had been speaking with Glaswegian and Geordie accents for over an hour before the dive, leading the sharks to believe that they were just too hard to mess with.