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Page 1
Ie Ulpster Churnal ONLINE
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Chamig's his own Da!
Naomi's Language Course
Scientist's are today baffled by the amazing news that Jimmy Maller (26) is in fact his own father.
It was discovered early last week, though was kept secret from the public to enable the authorities to substantiate the facts. It was at first thought to be an evil rumour, implying that he is so incestuous that he was his own father, but proof was quickly obtained when his fingerprints were found to be the same as his late fathers. He also had the same name as his father, and no one has ever seen his father.
One theory being advanced, is that he is from a parallel universe. In this alternative universe he was born, and was extremely clever, creating a time machine in which he returned to the era when his mother was aged about thirty.
He was intimate with his mother without realising who she was, before returning to his other universe.
The universe that we inhabit, is the universe where he was born. This theory is favourite to be proved, probably before 8.13 am 16th November 2064.
Apparently, what brought forward the shock news that Jimmy was his own father was when people began to notice that he was a Tink, and that he had sixteen fingers on all three hands. He used to hide this fact from the public using invisible paint, until he ran out of it.
When we questioned Jessie, his mother and co-
Amazing Musical Discovery
It was announced today that Hazel, a terrier from Wick (which is a town near Ulbster) had successfully played one of her own piano compositions for a selected audience.
Her owner, Merit, said "I am also her trainer, I taught her everything she knows, she can even play harmonies"
When pressed for further information Merit insisted that the so called discordant nature of the piece was in fact sour grapes by competitors.
Hi, ya'all, its Naomi here, what's up ? With all these language courses in the Churnal I've decided to get in on the act too.
At first sight it would seem that English and American had a lot of common ground, but this is far from the case. For instance, the English boot' is exactly the same as the American 'trunk'.
You might therefore think that having a pair of boots would be equivalent to having a pair of swimming trunks in American, but its much more complicated than that, it seems that the translation alters when plurals are used, I'll tell you about that later.
A similar cause of confusion is the translation of bonnet to 'hood', one being a head covering which is a part of a car and the other being a head covering which is also the same part of a car. In fact, the more I think of it the more it sounds the same.
Ya'all come back now .....
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Ruud Gullit sighted in Ulpster
Dutch footballer Ruud Gullit was spotted recently in the vicinity of Ulbster (near Wick).
Ruud is rumoured to be having talks with local football team Ulpster United.
The manager, Mr M.T. Vessel denied any link with the player, saying "I have never met Ruud, and if you have seen me with him, it is only because I admire him as a
player, I wouldn't recognise him anyway"
Our reporter asked Ruud if he was indeed now contemplating a move, and he replied "I cannot deny that I am a little unsettled at the moment, I have been talking with another club but nothing is yet settled. I can however tell you that I have met Mr Vessel recently, and have the utmost regard for him. I have been offered a very tempting package of pay and conditions unrivalled by any previous offer. They have offered to pull me off at half time in my first match, if I am tired, whereas Chelsea can only offer me a slice of orange."
No denial
When pressed, Ruud would still not confirm that the club in question was Ulbster United, saying, "I have never heard of them." However, when pressed, he would not deny it either.