Tony & Eswyl

G E N T L E M A N in his fifties, financially secure and living in Northeast Scotland, wishes to meet female, of the opposite sex. Photo appreciated. Reply to box number UJ21

L O S T One condom in the Cairn of Ghett area, hardly used. Sentimental value. Reward offered. Reply Gary, Lochside, Ulbster.

THE A.G.M. of the Ulbster Churnal Appreciation Society will be held in the telephone box, Ulbster, on Monday 21st October 1991, at 7.30 pm. New members welcome.

S P I R I T Mr and Mrs Spirit are extremely pleased and delighted to announce the engagement of their daughter Rebecca to James Miller, son of Jessie and himself, Ulbster council houses.

L O S T Almost lost at Ulbster, one white Jack Russell Terrier, answers to the name of 'Merit', wearing a collar and name disc.

F O U N D well used condom, looks to have great sentimental value, if yours, please write to the address below stating, colour, size and where it was lost. Jimmy Miller, Ulbster.

F E L L Tragically, at his home in Moray street, Wick, on September 30th, Tony Fell, aged 26, lost the World Cup Final (Kick Off 2) to Brazil (2-0). No flowers please.

FOR SALE One condom, v. good condition, has to be seen, offers over 30 pence. Replies to box UJ4.

FOR SALE Three piece suite, black, liquorice flavoured, three piece due to unfortunate accident. Five pence for all three. Tel Ulbster 311.

FOR SALE Gazzas socks, suit collector, completely unwashed and obtained in secret, an excellent investment opportunity. Offers please to Andy Clark, Lochside, Ulbster.

H O L I D A Y S Need a break? Why not see what Wick has to offer for your holiday of a lifetime. Sun, three times a year, often on the same day. Book early to avoid disappointment Tonys Travel, Wick.

W A N T E D Someone to work all the hours god sends, for very little money. Job satisfaction nil, work mind numbingly repetitive. Apply to Presto, Wick.

B U G A R I Superfisa. Peloton, Shimano, Hirschmann for sale. Excellent condition, Cheveney coupler included, £300 ono. Box UJ5

S P I R I T Rebecca Spirit would like it to be known that the rumour regarding her engagement to James Miller is totally.

M I L L E R James Miller is delighted to announce the forthcoming marriage between himself and Samantha, both of Ulbster.

W A N T E D One condom, must be in good condition, prepared to pay 25p. Replies please to Gary, Lochside, Ulbster.

W H Y are you wasting time reading this, you could be doing something more productive. If you feel your life is stagnating, ring Wick 602272, you will find others in a worse predicament than you, probably.

T I M E S H A R E Ulbster timeshare for sale. Massive savings on developers prices. Luxury home 'The Lith', Ulbster, period December to March. Replies Box UJ5.

K I M B L E Does anyone know the whereabouts of the one armed man? Reward offered for information leading to his capture. Replies kept in strictest confidence. Box UJ8

O N E armed man would be grateful to anyone who could tell him where Richard Kimble is. No reward but I have plenty of spare gloves if you want them, unfortunately all left hands. Box UJ24

R E E V E S Vic, where are you? if you're reading this, please get in touch with R. S. You know the address.

L O S T I left a cup of coffee beside the fish tank in the sitting room and it disappeared. Anyone with Information as to its whereabouts please contact Box number UJ4. Information will be kept confidential.

B I N K I E. The time is ripe for dancing in the street, read the next edition of the Ulbster Churnal for directions. The masked Avenger.

A L M O S T lost at Ulbster, one human, answers to the name of Aaron, usually wearing jeans and trainers. Merit, Wick.

O N E legged man, shoe size 9 (left foot) would like to meet another one legged man, same shoe size but right foot in order to share a pair of shoes. Reply Box UJ5.

G R A N D A D Your dinners all lumpy, come home end I'll sieve it for you, remember we're family. Princess.

F R E N C H gentleman, 30, would like to meet Brit about the same age, welterweight, with a view to frank, physical discussion on the merits of the E.E.C. (Box UJl2)

W A N T E D Lots of Money. Please send to Box UJ21

E A R N yourself some money. Write to box UJl3 enclosing a cheque for £5. In return you will get Information telling you how to earn yourself a small fortune.

SHE WOMAN, cat type thing would like to meet being with super powers for friendship, ability to contort body would be an asset. Apply Box number UJ6.

ARE YOU UGLY? Feel good about yourself, invest in a distorto-mirror, guaranteed to make the ugliest person look presentable. Special offer this month only, buy two and get one free. Price £2.50 each. Send orders c/o BoxUJ1