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Bionic Hand

Ulpster Churnal

Ie Ulpster Churnal ONLINE

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Dear Churnal,

As your publication is rural and your readership totals 10; I thought it safe to share one of my most recent, top secret missions with you. I have to keep work matters absolutely "nudge nudge wink wink" down my local ( quite difficult after a couple of Bailies ), but a nod's as good as a wink to a bat and you country hicks won't know much better.

Recently I had my hand replaced with a bionic super-hand. The technology is freakin awesome!

This is a picture of the hand shortly after surgery.

I elected for an i-limb ultra, my new hand looks and moves just like a natural hand .
Powered by Touch Bionics' unique biosim software (batteries from my smoke alarm at present), the i-limb ultra is the most versatile prosthetic hand available, providing me with the ability to customise the hand for my daily, needs.

Utilising this customisation I have secured a different fingerprint for every digit, each one adapted as such to coordinate with doors to the most powerful buildings on the planet.... Buckingham palace...The White House......The Queens Arms.....the Bat Cave...Playboy Mansion ...all places of international interest and importance you'll agree.

It's pulsing and vari-grip features are superb, the i-limb ultra is the only prosthetic hand with the ability to gradually increase the strength of its grip on an object; this can be very useful in situations where a firmer grasp is required, such as tying shoelaces tightly, holding a heavy bag (filled with gadgets n secret stuff ) more securely or simply in a manly arm wrestle with a local, always best to show these Kefalonians who's boss!

Slight imperfection, sorted with a bit of plastic surgery

With the previous, natural hand, it was necessary to lie on the arm for several minutes to make it feel like someone else’s hand before “taking a few minutes for myself”. The lack of feeling in the bionic hand makes this unnecessary … however, due to the super-human strength of the new hand, great care must be taken to avoid accidentally ripping off any body part being manipulated at the time.

I also opted for super strength webbing to shoot out of my wrist, like in the Spider-Man film because I thought it looked cool and a Teflon coating on the palm of my hand so I can pick up toast from the toaster without tongs - a Super-Spy needs to get up and out super-sharp on a morning but a rumbling tummy could alert baddies to my hiding place!

The radios in the nail bed are pretty cool, all I have to do is put my finger in my ear and can hear pre programmed stations and can keep in touch with HQ (there's a microphone on the thumb )... Weirdly though I've noticed that the length of my nails affects the frequency somewhat.

Best of all though is its ability to connect with Candy Crush and smash all the candy's super-quick .... Maximum Impact! I'm now on level 698.

Speaking of candy crush, I gotta go, my lives have regenerated and I've got some serious work to do.
Yours Steve Trip (real identity withheld)